Welcoming 2011 in Style!!!!

Picture the scene, New Years day 2011. After an immense party I was taking a break from the clean up effort from the night before. The guy who I had mildly fooled around with and shared a bed with was still asleep and those still feeling alive were dancing to ‘Empire State of Mind’ whilst drinking toffee vodka straight from the bottle.  After sweeping the floor I sat down and checked out my Facebook messages on my phone. Pretty much as soon as I logged in I received an unexpected message from someone I absolutely did not expect to hear from again.  Ahhhh Guillaume! Suddenly my impending hangover seemed very far away. We exchanged polite chat for a while before I somewhat boldly informed him that in my country it is very good luck to have sex on New Years day, of course it was a lie but it did the trick and we arranged a time for him to come to my place to ‘catch up’. I had to ask myself what it was about this guy that made me so quick to invite him into my home/bed/ummm…y’know…but I quickly pushed those thoughts away as remembered that:

a)      He was probably the best looking guy I had ever been with.

b)      He was like a well oiled machine that could go all night.

c)      He spoke dirty to me in the sexiest way imaginable.

I had to get home from the suburbs and fast! Luckily I got a ride and had just enough time to make myself presentable. However, when one has not had much sleep she does not look her best and does not feel particularly sexy, there was no way I was going to win a fight with a suspender belt when I was still half drunk yet I spruced myself up as well as I could and awaited Guillaume’s arrival.

When he finally arrived my legs felt like jelly and my heart was thumping. Damn, life would’ve been so much easier if he had become ugly since the last time I’d seen him but it was not meant to be. And to make it worse he was being sweet, funny and completely charming – this was nothing like our previous and very awkward coffee date. We chatted and caught up for a while until he interrupted me mid-sentence with a kiss that almost made me swoon. I did try to play it cool but the guy was such a great kisser that he could’ve had a degree in it. On shaky legs I went to close the shutters when he came up behind me and kissed my neck, of course he had to go for my weak spot and within minutes any resolve I had to play it cool went straight out the window. The next thing I knew I was pressed up against the wall in nothing but my underwear and G’s clothes were being removed at a rapid pace.

Since the last time I had seen G there had been others but none of them really compared, this guy was just sex on a stick and of course I loved it when he started saying things so filthy they would make a porn star blush. When he asked me if I had missed my big toy I was 100% honest when I replied that of course I had, the pleasure it gave me was unforgettable. G was very vocal during sex and not just verbally, I like that – it’s nice for a guy to show his appreciation and he definitely appreciated it when I told him ‘ma chatte est pour toi, do whatever you want with it.’ What a hussy, but he loved it!

It continued this way for the rest of the night, we fucked, we drank a bottle of cheap champagne I had in my fridge (and of course I found other uses for the champagne if you know what I mean ;) ) and we occasionally slept. I jokingly told him that his New Years resolution was to see me more but somehow I doubted that he took me seriously when I said it.

In the morning he left and I was unsure if I would ever see him again. I wasn’t too bothered though, 2011 had got off to a great start and I was determined that the rest of the year would follow suit!


PS! A male friend of mine was recently talking to a woman who said that she did not believe in wearing stockings and suspenders because she said they were 'cheesy'. Listen up ladies! Anyone who agrees with this statement needs to invest in some sexy underwear (including stockings and suspenders) and some killer heels and fast! Even if you just wear them to do the housework you will feel great! I just had to share that! ;)

Courting via SMS - How NOT to do it....

10/09/2011. 05.59 am: It's Olivier

10/09/2011. 06.26am: Hi. What're you doing? Do you feel like drinking some wine at our flat? Olivier

14/09/2011. 12.02pm: Hi ******. How ru since last Saturday? This weekend I'm going to Barcelona to meet some friends but what about getting a drink next week? Olivier (Shit, I really need to stop giving my number out to randoms, who the hell is this?!)

14/09/2011 13.40pm: Hey Olivier, um I'm really sorry but I don't remember meeting you at all on Friday, I was really drunk. Did we meet in the brasserie? (Let's try to narrow it down here....)

14/09/2011 13.43pm: Yep :-) it was in the brasserie near the Cafe Oz. I was at a table with a friend.

14/09/2011 14.48pm: Do you remember a little more? Anyway we should meet next weekend, that alright for you? Olivier

14/09/2011 14.55pm: Um honestly? I don't remember!

14/09/2011 14:57pm: It was at the brasserie near the pavement close to Argentinian guys drinking beer. You told me you were living in Paris and I studied in ******* near ******. What about meeting in a pub soon? (Insert name of university close to my home town.)

14/09/2011 15.07pm: Sure, add me on FB and see if it jogs my memory. My surname is *******. (He could be hot right?)

14/09/2011 15.31pm: I'm not using FB anymore. My surname is *****. I'm only using linkedin but it's a bit more professional. (Hmmmm, something to hide?!)

14/09/2011 16.09pm: Ok. And we actually had a full conversation yes? (Because I remember nothing! Damn you wine!)

14/09/2011 16.15pm: Yep :-) I do not remember everything but it was pretty good I guess,

14/09/2011 16.33pm: Do you often go near Blanche to go out?

14/09/2011 16.48pm: Yes, quite often. Bus Palladium is my favourite club and there's a few bars nearby that I like.

14/092011 16.52pm: Ha ok. Never went to Bus Palladium. I should try it though.

15/09/2011 22.59pm: Hi. R u going out tonight? Olivier

15/09/2011 23.04pm: No, I have work in the morning.

15/09.2011 23.07pm : Oh sure? I will leave the company party in 20min and will be in Blanche in 45min. Lets meet in a pub alright? (I guess my last reply wasn't clear.)

15/09/2011 23.15pm: No! I'm at home in bed and going to sleep soon.

15/09/2011 23.18pm: Noooo. Even for me?

15/09/2011 23.22pm: Yes! Especially for a guy I dont remember meeting and have no idea what he looks like! (Ok, maybe a little harsh but I was trying to read a good book!)

15/09/2011 23.25pm: Ooh, I text you when I'm nearby Blanche. (Oh God.)

15/09/2011 23.28pm: Um if you want but I'm home in bed and sleeping soon.

15/09/2011 23.31pm: Ok, I'll travel quick.

15/09/2011 23.41pm: I'm not meeting you.

16/09/2011 00.10am: Seriously?

16/09/2011 01.58am: Are u in?

21/09/2011 19.52pm: Hi. How r u? What about meeting tomorrow to have a drink? (Jesus, Mr Persistant and I'm pretty positive I didn't even kiss the guy!)

21/09/2011 20.17pm: Tomorrow I'm busy! Sorry!

21/09/2011 20.47pm: Ah ok. Saturday?

23/09/2011 17.42pm: Sorry, this whole weekend is difficult for me!

28/09/2011 20.13pm: Hello, Just leaving from an afterwork cocktail. What about getting a drink tonight near Blanche? Olivier (Does this guy ever give up?!)

28/09/2011 21.32pm: Sorry, I'm really exhausted, I had a late night last night. I'm going to Spain on Friday but going out tomorrow night. (Lets give him a chance....)

29/09/2011 18.50pm: Hello. At what time do you go out? is it for the happy hour? Olivier

29/09/2011 21.36pm: Hello, no, I'm going to the VIP Room!

29/09/2011 21.42pm: Ok so lets say we'll meet when you come back from Spain. Can't manage it for tonight. Have fun!

05/10/2011 20.12pm: Hi, r u back to Paris? How about getting a drink tomorrow or Saturday? Olivier

06/10/2011 19.09pm: Hello, I'll be free after Monday! (I had friends visiting.)

18/10/2011 10.52am: Hi, how are you? How about getting out this weekend? Cheers, Olivier.

18/10/2011 15.59pm: Sure, I think I'm going out on Friday so I'll let you know where! (Lets get this over and done with and as 'K' said, it's blogging material and I have nothing to lose)

18/10/2011 16.04pm: Ok perfect :-)

21/10/2011 11.53am: Hi , do you plan to go out during happy hour too? We can meet to have a drink before party. I'll be with 2 friends, Olivier.

21/10/2011 18.53pm: What do you do tonight? Olivier (Argh, be patient!)

21/10/2011 19.46pm: I'm going out in Oberkampf.

21/10/2011 19.50pm: When? Now?

21/10/2011 21.30pm: Ok, when do you go to Oberkampf?

21/10/2011 21.57pm: Now

21/10/2011 21.59pm: Ok, what is your program? We can be there in 1hr. Olivier.

21/10/2011 22.09pm: I'm going for dinner, then drinks,

21/10/2011 22.13pm: Ok, we meet for a drink after your dinner in 1hr in Oberkampf?

21/10/2011 22.17pm: Will probably be more than an hour , it's a busy restaurant!

21/10/2011 22.20pm: Alright, I'll text you when I'm there. With whom r u?

21/10/2011 22.22pm: Friends. (Who do you think?! My Mother? Father Christmas?! The Pope?!)

21/10/2011 22.33pm: Ok, how about taking the apero tomorrow afternoon with my two friends and your friends? (Hmmmm, trying to pimp my friends out to your friends?!)

21/10/2011 22.40pm: Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow!

21/10/2011 22.45: Ok, I'll text you later. You're gonna be up all night?

21/10/2011 22.47pm: No

21/10/2011 22.48pm: When do you plan to go to bed?

21/10/2011 22.50pm: We are out for dinner so can meet in Cafe Charbon in about 1hr.

21/10/2011 22.52pm: Ah Grands Boulevards could be better no?

21/10/2011 22.59pm: No. (Ok, I'm just irritated now)

21/10/2011 23.03pm: Ok, I'll try to be there on time.

22/10/2011 12.43pm: Hi, sorry for last night, I didn't make it. I'm taking the apero with friends. You're invited. It's metro Brochant. Olivier (Hmmmm, I believe I already told you I was busy!)

23/10/2011 04.33am: Hi *****, Ru up? We could meet. Olivier (Early morning booty call with someone you probably did'nt even kiss?! How desperate are you?!?!?)

01/11/2011 16.55pm: Hello, how are you? Could be nice to catch up this weekend, are you going out? Olivier

04/11/2011 21.09pm: Hi, we should meet tonight. Do you go out? Olivier (Please go away.)

04/11/2011 21.32pm: Hello, I've actually started dating someone I met a couple of weeks ago so I can't meet you. Sorry! (Ok, ok, it's a lie...if that makes me a bad person then oh well!)

07/11/2011 23.19pm: Ok, tell me when you're available. (AAARRRRGHHHHHHH!)

07/11/2011 23.50pm: I won't be available. (Harsh but true!)

It's been a week so I'm hoping that no more texts will arrive. It's true that the grass is always greener but I think I'd still rather have the aloof rarely texting Frenchie than the overly persistant version! And yes, I know I probably shoud've nipped it in the bud far earlier but a little voice kept telling me 'it couldn't hurt', another lesson - don't pay attention to the little voices in your head!

The Anglosluts guide to bagging a Frenchman...but not keeping him!

This year the British singer Jessie J released a song entitled "Do It Like A Dude"...personally I think the song is shit but some of the lyrics make me chuckle...for example:

Boom Boom, pull me a beer
No pretty drinks, I'm a guy out here
Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' money like a pimp
My B I T C H's on my dick like this

So ok it's little crass but it's making a point. It's 2011 and women can have as much sex as she wants to, she craves it, enjoys it and often wants it more than her male partner(s). She can be the one that pulls the condom out from the bedside drawer, she can leave without giving her number the next day and she doesn't have to be the one sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring (although lets be honest, we've all had out hearts in our mouths at some point waiting for that all important text!).

So for all you ladies out there who just want to go out and have no strings attached here is my guide to bagging your Frenchman...but not keeping him!

• First of all (and this is not essential) - be thin! I KNOW!!! That is ridiculously un-feministic of me but it's true. It's never going to be easy to get laid in this City if you have thighs like tree trunks. What's even better is if you are thin but with big (real) boobs - the poor Frenchmen just don't seem to understand how this is possible and will be temporarily facinated.
• Choose your location carefully. Anglo bars seem to be rife with ugly Frenchmen there to pick up "easy" Anglo girls. The few time I have been I have found this to be particullarly true of O'Sullivans on Grands Boulevards. Generally I would say avoid but if you are desperate....
• Your outfit - don't look trashy BUT don't go the Frenchgirl route and be classic either. Short and tight works as does low, but please, do not team these together! Bright colors are a sure way to show off your non-Frenchgirlness, especially in winter when everywhere you look you see drab greys and blacks.
• Drink alcohol, have fun! I'm not saying you have to be dancing on the bar tops but the girl who is laughing is of course going to appear easier to pick up than the girl quietly sipping her one glass of wine over 3 hours! Loud laughing in this city seems to be seriously frowned upon  - fuck it! Smile and be happy!
• Dumb down your level of French (unless he has perfect English). Your Frenchman isn't going to be inclined to introduce you to his friends/family if he thinks you can't communicate with them. So speak English with him and boost his ego by letting him think that is language skills are superior to yours.
• If you want to have sex with him the first night then do it - you're not looking for a husband here.
• Similarly if you want to text him for a 1am booty call then go ahead and do it!
• Make it known that you are avaliable for sex if that's all you are after. Wear your sexiest underwear/stockings/suspenders on the 1st date, not only will he love it but you get to feel like a sex kitten!

The most important point though is be safe! Don't put your sexual health at risk for a quick roll in the sheets and always let a friend know where you are!

Feminists please do not hunt me down and kill me - it's tongue in cheek...honest!