Welcoming 2011 in Style!!!!

Picture the scene, New Years day 2011. After an immense party I was taking a break from the clean up effort from the night before. The guy who I had mildly fooled around with and shared a bed with was still asleep and those still feeling alive were dancing to ‘Empire State of Mind’ whilst drinking toffee vodka straight from the bottle.  After sweeping the floor I sat down and checked out my Facebook messages on my phone. Pretty much as soon as I logged in I received an unexpected message from someone I absolutely did not expect to hear from again.  Ahhhh Guillaume! Suddenly my impending hangover seemed very far away. We exchanged polite chat for a while before I somewhat boldly informed him that in my country it is very good luck to have sex on New Years day, of course it was a lie but it did the trick and we arranged a time for him to come to my place to ‘catch up’. I had to ask myself what it was about this guy that made me so quick to invite him into my home/bed/ummm…y’know…but I quickly pushed those thoughts away as remembered that:

a)      He was probably the best looking guy I had ever been with.

b)      He was like a well oiled machine that could go all night.

c)      He spoke dirty to me in the sexiest way imaginable.

I had to get home from the suburbs and fast! Luckily I got a ride and had just enough time to make myself presentable. However, when one has not had much sleep she does not look her best and does not feel particularly sexy, there was no way I was going to win a fight with a suspender belt when I was still half drunk yet I spruced myself up as well as I could and awaited Guillaume’s arrival.

When he finally arrived my legs felt like jelly and my heart was thumping. Damn, life would’ve been so much easier if he had become ugly since the last time I’d seen him but it was not meant to be. And to make it worse he was being sweet, funny and completely charming – this was nothing like our previous and very awkward coffee date. We chatted and caught up for a while until he interrupted me mid-sentence with a kiss that almost made me swoon. I did try to play it cool but the guy was such a great kisser that he could’ve had a degree in it. On shaky legs I went to close the shutters when he came up behind me and kissed my neck, of course he had to go for my weak spot and within minutes any resolve I had to play it cool went straight out the window. The next thing I knew I was pressed up against the wall in nothing but my underwear and G’s clothes were being removed at a rapid pace.

Since the last time I had seen G there had been others but none of them really compared, this guy was just sex on a stick and of course I loved it when he started saying things so filthy they would make a porn star blush. When he asked me if I had missed my big toy I was 100% honest when I replied that of course I had, the pleasure it gave me was unforgettable. G was very vocal during sex and not just verbally, I like that – it’s nice for a guy to show his appreciation and he definitely appreciated it when I told him ‘ma chatte est pour toi, do whatever you want with it.’ What a hussy, but he loved it!

It continued this way for the rest of the night, we fucked, we drank a bottle of cheap champagne I had in my fridge (and of course I found other uses for the champagne if you know what I mean ;) ) and we occasionally slept. I jokingly told him that his New Years resolution was to see me more but somehow I doubted that he took me seriously when I said it.

In the morning he left and I was unsure if I would ever see him again. I wasn’t too bothered though, 2011 had got off to a great start and I was determined that the rest of the year would follow suit!


PS! A male friend of mine was recently talking to a woman who said that she did not believe in wearing stockings and suspenders because she said they were 'cheesy'. Listen up ladies! Anyone who agrees with this statement needs to invest in some sexy underwear (including stockings and suspenders) and some killer heels and fast! Even if you just wear them to do the housework you will feel great! I just had to share that! ;)

Julien - Part 2

After the first date with Julien we continued to text and chat on Facebook, often his texts made no sense to me and I'm sure he would say the same about my garbled French, or Franglais as I more realistically refer to it. He was still pulling the old trick of asking me out at 10/11pm but I figured it  was no big deal, I didn't  really like him enough to care.

That was until I discovered that C was to be in town that weekend and although I wouldn't be seeing him I knew that he would be meeting up with the bitch/skank/whore that he cheated on me with. (Oops, feminism just went right out the window there!) I weighed up my options: stay in and obsessively look on his Facebook and that of his friends to see if I could find any clue of his and the skanks whereabouts OR I could get myself dressed up and go on a date of my own. The latter of course won. I was happy if a little surprised when I text Julien and asked if he was free to discover that he was. I told him that I wanted to go dancing and we arranged that I would go to his place before heading to a club. 

I made a big effort that night, low cut but not slutty dress, sleek hair and perfected make-up, sexy matching underwear and to top it all of, stockings and suspenders!!!! If you’ve never worn stockings teamed with a suspender belt then you absolutely must! I mean, ok, it can be tricky to get them on and you may scream with frustration a few times but once they are on you will feel so sexy and confident that it is SO worth it. Whenever I wear them on a date it's 60% for me and 40% for the guy...in fact, I've even been known to wear them under my skirt at work but hey, no one in the office needs to know about that! ;) 

Anyway, Julien certainly seemed to appreciate the effort made too. As I walked through his front door we kissed and his wandering hands soon found my little surprise. "vraiment jolie…would you not rather stay in tonight?", I didn't but I appreciated the  compliment. We drank wine and listened to The XX while Julien got himself together. He explained to me that his bank card had a crack in it but that if I paid the taxi then he would buy our drinks. We hopped in a taxi to my 1st but certainly not last time to Bus Palladium. So this was where all the cool and beautiful French people hung out!!! Rather head straight for the main room we went upstairs to the restaurant/bar and sat on tall stools. Julien ordered a glass of champagne for each of us and we actually had a good time talking and laughing. (He thought it was super hilarious to put his champagne glass between my cleavage, I didn't think it was so hilarious.) We finished our drinks and went down to the dance floor and I have to admit that Julien was a great dancer. We went to get another drink and then...uh oh...his card was declined. Luckily it was payday so I stepped up and bought the drinks. (Not a huge deal anyway, I like to pay my own way and he had bought the 1st round.) Maybe at this point the alarm bells should have been ringing but I was having too much of a good time to notice them. 

Shoulda, woulda , coulda.

The next thing that happened DID send those bells ringing. Two girls that Julien knew came over to say hello and there was only what I could describe as a weird tension between the three of them, it was clear that he had sex with one of the girls if not both. They were both pleasant enough to me though and I didn't really think too much of it until a short while later. We were dancing and I was aware that Julien was continuously looking over my shoulder. Yes, he was trying to make someone jealous! I should have walked away then but I never, my mistake. Soon after that I started to be aware of someone deliberately pushing into me on the dancefloor, yep, the two girls who had pleasant to me earlier were both acting like stupid brats. Julien, of course, seemed to think that the whole thing was funny and in an attempt not to turn around and punch them both in the face (and him too!) I stormed to the bar and ordered myself another champagne, not before shouting at him though "THAT IS NOT FUCKING COOL, SORT IT OUT!!!" Again, I probably should have taken that opportunity to walk away but I was drunk and really like the club. When Julien went for what was probably his 80th cigarette a guy with a massive camera came over and asked if he could take my photo for his  website, I awkwardly agreed, I don't really like being in those situations but hey, I liked the ego boost and it did wonders for my bad mood.

Julien was turning out to be a total dickhead but it didn't stop me from going home with him. Nor did it stop me from getting naked with him and bumping uglies. I was surprised to find that what he lacked in height he more than made up for in the trouser department however, I wasn't surprised to find that he was a very selfish lover. And I absolutely wasn’t surprised to find the ever present stash of condoms by his bed.

In the morning I reflected on what I had gained from meeting Julien: a larger than expected dent in my bank balance, a scene in a club which saw me go mental at someone and, a night of not so great sex. Yep, all too late the alarm bells rang clear. I left and thankfully, never saw Julien again.

The Anglosluts guide to bagging a Frenchman...but not keeping him!

This year the British singer Jessie J released a song entitled "Do It Like A Dude"...personally I think the song is shit but some of the lyrics make me chuckle...for example:

Boom Boom, pull me a beer
No pretty drinks, I'm a guy out here
Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' money like a pimp
My B I T C H's on my dick like this

So ok it's little crass but it's making a point. It's 2011 and women can have as much sex as she wants to, she craves it, enjoys it and often wants it more than her male partner(s). She can be the one that pulls the condom out from the bedside drawer, she can leave without giving her number the next day and she doesn't have to be the one sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring (although lets be honest, we've all had out hearts in our mouths at some point waiting for that all important text!).

So for all you ladies out there who just want to go out and have no strings attached here is my guide to bagging your Frenchman...but not keeping him!

• First of all (and this is not essential) - be thin! I KNOW!!! That is ridiculously un-feministic of me but it's true. It's never going to be easy to get laid in this City if you have thighs like tree trunks. What's even better is if you are thin but with big (real) boobs - the poor Frenchmen just don't seem to understand how this is possible and will be temporarily facinated.
• Choose your location carefully. Anglo bars seem to be rife with ugly Frenchmen there to pick up "easy" Anglo girls. The few time I have been I have found this to be particullarly true of O'Sullivans on Grands Boulevards. Generally I would say avoid but if you are desperate....
• Your outfit - don't look trashy BUT don't go the Frenchgirl route and be classic either. Short and tight works as does low, but please, do not team these together! Bright colors are a sure way to show off your non-Frenchgirlness, especially in winter when everywhere you look you see drab greys and blacks.
• Drink alcohol, have fun! I'm not saying you have to be dancing on the bar tops but the girl who is laughing is of course going to appear easier to pick up than the girl quietly sipping her one glass of wine over 3 hours! Loud laughing in this city seems to be seriously frowned upon  - fuck it! Smile and be happy!
• Dumb down your level of French (unless he has perfect English). Your Frenchman isn't going to be inclined to introduce you to his friends/family if he thinks you can't communicate with them. So speak English with him and boost his ego by letting him think that is language skills are superior to yours.
• If you want to have sex with him the first night then do it - you're not looking for a husband here.
• Similarly if you want to text him for a 1am booty call then go ahead and do it!
• Make it known that you are avaliable for sex if that's all you are after. Wear your sexiest underwear/stockings/suspenders on the 1st date, not only will he love it but you get to feel like a sex kitten!

The most important point though is be safe! Don't put your sexual health at risk for a quick roll in the sheets and always let a friend know where you are!

Feminists please do not hunt me down and kill me - it's tongue in cheek...honest!