Courting via SMS - How NOT to do it....

10/09/2011. 05.59 am: It's Olivier

10/09/2011. 06.26am: Hi. What're you doing? Do you feel like drinking some wine at our flat? Olivier

14/09/2011. 12.02pm: Hi ******. How ru since last Saturday? This weekend I'm going to Barcelona to meet some friends but what about getting a drink next week? Olivier (Shit, I really need to stop giving my number out to randoms, who the hell is this?!)

14/09/2011 13.40pm: Hey Olivier, um I'm really sorry but I don't remember meeting you at all on Friday, I was really drunk. Did we meet in the brasserie? (Let's try to narrow it down here....)

14/09/2011 13.43pm: Yep :-) it was in the brasserie near the Cafe Oz. I was at a table with a friend.

14/09/2011 14.48pm: Do you remember a little more? Anyway we should meet next weekend, that alright for you? Olivier

14/09/2011 14.55pm: Um honestly? I don't remember!

14/09/2011 14:57pm: It was at the brasserie near the pavement close to Argentinian guys drinking beer. You told me you were living in Paris and I studied in ******* near ******. What about meeting in a pub soon? (Insert name of university close to my home town.)

14/09/2011 15.07pm: Sure, add me on FB and see if it jogs my memory. My surname is *******. (He could be hot right?)

14/09/2011 15.31pm: I'm not using FB anymore. My surname is *****. I'm only using linkedin but it's a bit more professional. (Hmmmm, something to hide?!)

14/09/2011 16.09pm: Ok. And we actually had a full conversation yes? (Because I remember nothing! Damn you wine!)

14/09/2011 16.15pm: Yep :-) I do not remember everything but it was pretty good I guess,

14/09/2011 16.33pm: Do you often go near Blanche to go out?

14/09/2011 16.48pm: Yes, quite often. Bus Palladium is my favourite club and there's a few bars nearby that I like.

14/092011 16.52pm: Ha ok. Never went to Bus Palladium. I should try it though.

15/09/2011 22.59pm: Hi. R u going out tonight? Olivier

15/09/2011 23.04pm: No, I have work in the morning.

15/09.2011 23.07pm : Oh sure? I will leave the company party in 20min and will be in Blanche in 45min. Lets meet in a pub alright? (I guess my last reply wasn't clear.)

15/09/2011 23.15pm: No! I'm at home in bed and going to sleep soon.

15/09/2011 23.18pm: Noooo. Even for me?

15/09/2011 23.22pm: Yes! Especially for a guy I dont remember meeting and have no idea what he looks like! (Ok, maybe a little harsh but I was trying to read a good book!)

15/09/2011 23.25pm: Ooh, I text you when I'm nearby Blanche. (Oh God.)

15/09/2011 23.28pm: Um if you want but I'm home in bed and sleeping soon.

15/09/2011 23.31pm: Ok, I'll travel quick.

15/09/2011 23.41pm: I'm not meeting you.

16/09/2011 00.10am: Seriously?

16/09/2011 01.58am: Are u in?

21/09/2011 19.52pm: Hi. How r u? What about meeting tomorrow to have a drink? (Jesus, Mr Persistant and I'm pretty positive I didn't even kiss the guy!)

21/09/2011 20.17pm: Tomorrow I'm busy! Sorry!

21/09/2011 20.47pm: Ah ok. Saturday?

23/09/2011 17.42pm: Sorry, this whole weekend is difficult for me!

28/09/2011 20.13pm: Hello, Just leaving from an afterwork cocktail. What about getting a drink tonight near Blanche? Olivier (Does this guy ever give up?!)

28/09/2011 21.32pm: Sorry, I'm really exhausted, I had a late night last night. I'm going to Spain on Friday but going out tomorrow night. (Lets give him a chance....)

29/09/2011 18.50pm: Hello. At what time do you go out? is it for the happy hour? Olivier

29/09/2011 21.36pm: Hello, no, I'm going to the VIP Room!

29/09/2011 21.42pm: Ok so lets say we'll meet when you come back from Spain. Can't manage it for tonight. Have fun!

05/10/2011 20.12pm: Hi, r u back to Paris? How about getting a drink tomorrow or Saturday? Olivier

06/10/2011 19.09pm: Hello, I'll be free after Monday! (I had friends visiting.)

18/10/2011 10.52am: Hi, how are you? How about getting out this weekend? Cheers, Olivier.

18/10/2011 15.59pm: Sure, I think I'm going out on Friday so I'll let you know where! (Lets get this over and done with and as 'K' said, it's blogging material and I have nothing to lose)

18/10/2011 16.04pm: Ok perfect :-)

21/10/2011 11.53am: Hi , do you plan to go out during happy hour too? We can meet to have a drink before party. I'll be with 2 friends, Olivier.

21/10/2011 18.53pm: What do you do tonight? Olivier (Argh, be patient!)

21/10/2011 19.46pm: I'm going out in Oberkampf.

21/10/2011 19.50pm: When? Now?

21/10/2011 21.30pm: Ok, when do you go to Oberkampf?

21/10/2011 21.57pm: Now

21/10/2011 21.59pm: Ok, what is your program? We can be there in 1hr. Olivier.

21/10/2011 22.09pm: I'm going for dinner, then drinks,

21/10/2011 22.13pm: Ok, we meet for a drink after your dinner in 1hr in Oberkampf?

21/10/2011 22.17pm: Will probably be more than an hour , it's a busy restaurant!

21/10/2011 22.20pm: Alright, I'll text you when I'm there. With whom r u?

21/10/2011 22.22pm: Friends. (Who do you think?! My Mother? Father Christmas?! The Pope?!)

21/10/2011 22.33pm: Ok, how about taking the apero tomorrow afternoon with my two friends and your friends? (Hmmmm, trying to pimp my friends out to your friends?!)

21/10/2011 22.40pm: Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow!

21/10/2011 22.45: Ok, I'll text you later. You're gonna be up all night?

21/10/2011 22.47pm: No

21/10/2011 22.48pm: When do you plan to go to bed?

21/10/2011 22.50pm: We are out for dinner so can meet in Cafe Charbon in about 1hr.

21/10/2011 22.52pm: Ah Grands Boulevards could be better no?

21/10/2011 22.59pm: No. (Ok, I'm just irritated now)

21/10/2011 23.03pm: Ok, I'll try to be there on time.

22/10/2011 12.43pm: Hi, sorry for last night, I didn't make it. I'm taking the apero with friends. You're invited. It's metro Brochant. Olivier (Hmmmm, I believe I already told you I was busy!)

23/10/2011 04.33am: Hi *****, Ru up? We could meet. Olivier (Early morning booty call with someone you probably did'nt even kiss?! How desperate are you?!?!?)

01/11/2011 16.55pm: Hello, how are you? Could be nice to catch up this weekend, are you going out? Olivier

04/11/2011 21.09pm: Hi, we should meet tonight. Do you go out? Olivier (Please go away.)

04/11/2011 21.32pm: Hello, I've actually started dating someone I met a couple of weeks ago so I can't meet you. Sorry! (Ok, ok, it's a lie...if that makes me a bad person then oh well!)

07/11/2011 23.19pm: Ok, tell me when you're available. (AAARRRRGHHHHHHH!)

07/11/2011 23.50pm: I won't be available. (Harsh but true!)

It's been a week so I'm hoping that no more texts will arrive. It's true that the grass is always greener but I think I'd still rather have the aloof rarely texting Frenchie than the overly persistant version! And yes, I know I probably shoud've nipped it in the bud far earlier but a little voice kept telling me 'it couldn't hurt', another lesson - don't pay attention to the little voices in your head!

Didier - Part 2

So despite the inevitable wine head the next morning I had had a really nice time with Didier..and not just because of his glorious wine cave. Ok, it was due to the visit of said wine cave that I couldn't remember much about the actual sex (clearly I had still been drunk the morning after the night before) but I did remember that it wasn't horrible and that is always a good start right...riiight?! Well, that's what I chose to tell myself anyway.

Even if I couldn't remember the exact details of getting frisky with Didier I really had the impression that he was a bit of a keeper - he was hot, had a great job, was super sweet and best of all seemed to be really into me. So it was with this in mind that I debated doing something that this Anglolut doesn't really do. I decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to hold off and not have sex with him the next time I saw him. Now , I know that this is nothing unusual for most people but my mind goes more like this:

• boy likes girl
• girl likes boy
• boy and girl fancy each other
• boy and girl are capable of giving each other great pleasure
• boy and girl have great (hopefully!) sex and may or may not live happily ever after.

So it was with my virtual chastity belt on that I tottled over to Didiers in the snow (in heels) the next weekend. He's really into old movies and had never seen Roman Holiday, I love that movie and also happen to have it on dvd so we had arranged to watch it. Again he proved his sweetness when I got there and had a variety of chocolate biscuits waiting and introduced me to carambars (yummy!). We snuggled down on the sofa and watched Roman Holiday and I realized that if I wanted a boyfriend this would've been the perfect scenario: huge snowdrops falling down outside whilst all warm inside with a handsome man to keep me warm. I should have been concentrating on Audrey Hepburn running riot around Rome but all I could think about was how sexy Didier was and how hard it was going to be to say no....

It wasn't long before my resistance was tested. Throughout the movie Didier had tried it on with several sneaky attempts to stick his hand down my bra/pants only to be met with a slap on the hand. After the movie finished he really turned on the charm with the oh so familiar 'you have such beautiful eyes' followed up with a 'but you know that already'...huh? I do?! Do I walk around with a sign around my neck saying 'I have beautiful eyes'?! That wasn't what charmed me though, after a particularly passionate kiss it was very clear by the bulge in Didiers jeans that his mind was no longer on the movie and that he reeeally wanted to have his wicked way with me. I was really good though and I totally resisted.

For about ten minutes.

We both had plans for later on that evening and so wrapped up warm for the bitter winter evening outside. My silly heels teamed with my big coat, cozy hat, scarf and gloves must've made me look like a walking contradiction but I didn't care. As Didier switched off the living room light somehow we ended up in one last kiss for the evening and well....I guess I couldn't resist just checking to see if he still had the huge erection going on...As soon as my had ahem...grazed...down there it was like an explosion! Coats were being ripped off, gloves and hats discarded and the next thing I knew Didier was fumbling with the button on my pants and was pulling them down. In true Frenchman fashion a condom seemed to appear out of nowhere (still a mystery to me where that came from but I imagine he had had it in the back pocket of his jeans all afternoon the expectant devil!) and the next thing I knew we were doing it up against the wall - woohoo for shorter than average men after all! It was so hot and passionate and really was like a scene out a movie. And this time there was no doubt about it...it was fantastic!

Afterwards Didier walked me to the metro and we said goodbye with huge grins on our faces. He told me it was a moment that he would never forget and I absolutely had to agree with him.

 

Older But Absolutely Not Wiser...

This week I celebrated what was my 4th and very likely last birthday celebration in Paris and it made me think about what I have learned about men over the past few years of Parisian living. My 1st birthday celebration in the city of lights was spent with two mecs (guys) that my friend and I had hung out with a few times. One of them I got on with very well, there was lots of flirting and some potential for a little French romance...well, that's what I thought until it emerged that he was engaged, stupid of me I know not to have spotted the ring on that all imprtant finger. (what kind of guy wears an engagement ring anyway?!) Funnily enough, that friendship fizzled out soon after.
My next encounter with a Frenchman was with an not-so-attractive guy called Phillipe. We met in a nightclub when I was stupidly drunk and had been abandoned by my friend who was erm...busy(!) with some 18 year old in the corner.  He told me "you eez so beautiful, such beeeautiful eyez...I zwill take you for a nicce deener in an nicce restaurant", maybe it was the French accent and the compliments that made me abandon my poor friend and leave the club with Phillipe (actually it was probably the large amounts of vodka that I'd consumed but we wont go into that) and the next thing I knew I was in the back of a car zooming down the Champs Elysees. To this day I still have no idea where Phillipe's place was located. What I do remember was the feeling of revulsion as we got back to his place and he rammed his snakey tongue down my throat. Along with the immediate groping (where was the anticipation??) and the feeling that I was going to throw up, it was not going well. When a guy takes your hand and tried to shove it down his pants to be met with an involuntary shudder I think even he knows it's not going well and so Phillipe stopped his advances and we both went to sleep. The next morning he prodded me awake (with his fingers and no, not down there) and told me "you mussst go now, my son eez coming". Ha, what happened to the promise of my romantic meal?!
Of course at that point I should have put my shoes on with dignity and made a hasty retreat, but oh no, things never plan out so smoothly. With a sinking heart I realised that I had absolutely NO cash. In my drunken exit from the club I had taken our flat keys but had left all our cash with my friend. (sorry once again for that one J!). At this point I had lived in Paris for under a month - I had no idea how easy it is to jump the metro here. What could I do? The obvious answer was to ask Phillipe for the 1.60 it would take to get me home but seeing as he was no longer the romantic Frenchman he was the night before and had rolled over and had gone back to sleep after giving me my marching orders I thought better of it. I was pretty much freaking out and had that awful sick feeling in my tummy (I was wearing 4" heels - was I going to have to walk home in them?!) when I spotted Phillipes wallet on his bedside table. I have to stress that I was only going to take 1.60 for the metro, I'm not some skank who stays with a guy and then steals from him but at this point I was utterly freaking out and wasn't thinking straight. As I picked up Phillipe's wallet hoping to find change he suddenly jerked up awake. Quickly I put it back down and asked him where the closest metro was but it was too late - he had clearly seen me. Without a word he picked up his wallet, phone and camera and locked them in the bathroom with him as he took a shower. I have never been so ashamed and so made my very fast exit! Funnily enough he never did call me for that dinner date. It took me a long time to get home that day but that is a whole other story in itself. The lesson here? Never abandon your friend in a club, especially when you have no money.
Other lessons that I have learned since then? I'm not sure I have learned many. What I have learned though is that a French accent still makes a guy seem sexy, I still fall for insincerity and I absolutely put far too much faith in people.I have no problem with casual sex but some men will say anything to get you to bed, they will lie, cheat and will say whatever they think you want to hear, they will promise you the world just so that they can have their wicked way with you. I cant stand liars and am begining to think that the next guy that gets me into bed will have to be one who is honest and utters something along the immortal line of "you and me baby aint nothin' but mammels so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel". At least there is pure honestly in that.

Introduction

Welcome to the adventures of this Anglo-Slut. If you happen to have stumbled across this then I apologise in advance for any raciness you may encounter. If you are looking for the typical blog about someone living in Paris talking about long walks and museums and the beauty of it all then you will be disappointed. The only beauty I will refer to is that of the Frenchmen that I am surrounded by. There is a reason for this blog...my dear dear friend hereby known as NC dared to move to the other side of the world, we are both rubbish at emailing and recently she asked me to write a blog so...voila!
I won't write much about me except that I am an anglo who has been living in Paris for over 2years now. Just over a year ago I split up with my English boyfriend, so this blog will document all past and current Frenchman encounters, all for the benefit of NC!
As it is stupid o'clock in the morning here I will keep this 1st post brief but as an introduction here is some observations about the most beautiful men on Earth (the Frenchies)

• Frenchmen are the only nationality in the world that can pull off that floppy hair.
• They seen to have a rule book that they use for chatting up Anglo girls - the favourite seems to be 'you have such beautiful eyes' - bleugh!
• It is perfectly normal for them to approach a girl walking down the street and ask for her number/a date.
• They always seem to have a large stash of condoms by their bed and whip them out fast. Unlike Anglo boys they dont try to just stick it in. If its hard then it's wrapped up.
• Kissing in a club generally makes them think that sexytime is automatically on the cards.
• 'Tres jolie' appears to actually be sincere. 'So beautiful' seems to be used when they are trying to get laid.
• A Frenchman talking dirty to you is exhilirating. If you have never had the pleasure then it sucks to be you.
• Anglo girls tend to be viewed as easy - I'm not gonna lie, I'm the kind of Anglo girl that adds to that reputation.

Might be worth mentioning that I seem to have a 'type' of Frenchman that I go for. In general they have floppy hair, designer stubble and brown eyes like pools of chocolate you could swim in. Oh and I also seem to be attrated to the he-sluts!

So introduction over - I'm off to sleep. Enjoy NC - you owe me a fucking good email now! ;)